Already Gone? Not So fast

 Every time I hear that Eagles song, Already Gone I blast it. I can completely identify with the lyrics. Before filing for divorce, many years were spent trying to make my marriage work. But at some point when you are in a dissolving marriage, the question whether to stay or not to stay takes over your daily thoughts and there is nothing left to do but make a decision. 

Getting to that decision is difficult and everyone has their own journey they must embark on. However, once that decision is made, whichever you decide, you will feel lighter. The strain and stress will not feel as heavy as it did.  If the decision was to leave your marriage, you may be already gone in your head, but it is during this time that you must be diligent and focused on what lies ahead.

When I was divorcing my ex, we lived in the same house. His lawyer told him to stay and my lawyer told me not to leave.  Living in the same house with a constantly angry man (which existed before the divorce filing) was fraught with constant worry and anxiety. The living conditions were combustible. Because of this, I didn’t think through certain financial particulars in the divorce agreement because my immediate concerns were safety and sanity.  I needed to get out. His daily mind games were off the charts: emptying packed boxes of mine, storming into  whatever room I was in with a glaring angry demeanor, starting arguments with me or my son then calling the police on us, and on and on it went.

Since I was the one who needed to get out for sanity, he kept the mind games going so that I would cave and give in to significant issues in the agreement that are now coming to haunt me. I am writing this hoping I can save you from the same fate.  You have to keep focused on what is ahead. The choice you make today will impact you until your children are grown. If you cannot live with something, do not think, “I will change it later.” It’s nearly impossible to change an order and costly to boot. 

When your heart is already gone, keep your head focused by concentrating on these 5 things:

1. Keep expectations real. Go into this hoping it can be resolved amicably and quickly, but do not expect it. Think of divorce as a boxing match, if you can go the distance you will persevere. Many, like me, want an expeditious resolution, as in a knockout punch, but staying the course, and compromising where need be will give you the best results that you can live with.
2. Do not make emotional decisions. Think of divorce as a business transaction. Of course it is a given that there is emotion involved, but it is imperative you think of long-term financial goals.  Planning for the long term in the middle of a contentious divorce negotiations isn’t easy. Women tend to think more emotional, but thinking of your financial future needs to be your utmost consideration since there are no do-overs and you could be stuck with the consequences of a very bad decision.
3. Take your lawyers advise.  Do not listen to divorce advice from your friends, since your situation is most likely different than theirs. Listen to your lawyer. They know your situation. If you hired him/her, then you must trust them. You may not be able to think clearly, which is why you hired a lawyer in the first place. They are not emotionally involved and are able to see the big picture, so carefully consider their counsel.
4. Sleep on it. If something doesn’t feel right, or if you are being bullied into a quick decision by your ex or your ex’s attorney, do not accept it right away. Take the time to sleep on it, even if it means your case will be postponed. Remember, once you sign, your decision is made and done.
5. Focus on your future. Staying engaged in the process is important, but it is also important to focus on you. Do your best to stay healthy, and make an extra effort to spend time with supportive people in your life. Think of your future as a blank canvas and picture what you want it to look like. Take the time you need to heal and know that the process is temporary and your future is wide open.

---