Getting Separated or Divorced? 10 Things to Know Before Your Do

 Once you have made the decision to leave your marriage, either by separation or divorce your spouse, and I know how pain-staking that decision can be. It’s important to note, the road ahead is long, but with a little planning you can avoid some of the pitfalls and save yourself some money and a whole lot of aggravation.  

1. Be on guard. Before you make it known you are separating or divorcing be careful of what you say and do with your children and your spouse. Divorcing is a dirty game for some and your spouse when he or she finds out will be looking for you to mess up somehow. Your spouse may resort to tracking your phone, your car, or even the house you share. I’m not trying to make you paranoid, just aware. Once separation and divorce are on the table, your spouse will change to someone you do not recognize. If you didn’t like him or her before the impending divorce, just know you aint seen nothing yet. Your home can temporarily become a war zone and you need to re-adjust your thinking to understand you are suddenly living with the enemy. So the bottom line here is: be alert and smart.
2. Meet with an attorney before you do anything. It is important to know your rights and what to expect should you divorce. Getting as much information as possible will help you know your options ahead of time since actions you take now may very well affect the outcome of your divorce.  Most attorneys will charge a consultation fee from $200 to upwards of $500. It varies by lawyer, but it is well worth the investment. You can also find out about the divorce laws of your state from Divorce Source, which is a great online companion where you can find out the laws for every state in the U.S. right here.  
3. Get your own cell phone account.  If your account is tied to your spouses’ you need to get that changed immediately. You can take your number with you to a new account and he or she will not be able to “track” who you call and get a hold of your texts, other than by way of subpoena.
4. Go to the bank. Go to the bank now! Get there immediately! If you have a joint account, take out half of the money and open your own account. I wish someone had given me that advice because my ex took all the money out of our joint account before I filed. He did not suffer any repercussions because we settled out of court. However, to be safe I would not recommend taking it all out, just half.  If you have a joint safe deposit box with cash in it, go there and take it out. Whoever gets there first has the opportunity to grab the contents and run since the contents cannot be proven.
5. Safeguard your other assets. If you have precious gems, jewelry, collectibles, cash, bearer bonds, etc. be sure to take them out of the house and keep them in a safe place with a trusted family member or a safe deposit box. Also, protect your credit by freezing or closing joint cards and by blocking your spouse’s access to other joint credit such as home equity.
6. Take control of the bills. If your ex is the one moving out, then have all the bills transferred to your name only. If he/she is vindictive, then your electricity, cable, and gas can be turned off without your knowing it. Keep copies of the bills so you can square up what your ex owes you.
7. Put nothing in writing. While divorcing do not text, email, or write to your ex anything, since anything can and WILL be used against you during your divorce. The only texting or emailing should be about the children’s arrangements, and that’s all. No matter how tempted you are to tell your ex off, or defend yourself from what he/she has said to your children, just don’t do it. Write it in a journal or call a friend, but abstain from texting them. And, be careful who you are texting. Friends you shared together may not be your friend anymore as “friends” take sides.
8. Make a will. Until you are divorced, your spouse may be able to obtain your assets, unless you make a new will leaving him or her out. If you have underage children, designate a trustee or beneficiary to oversee any and all the funds, including life insurance, until your children are adults.  
9. It doesn’t get better for a while. It takes a while for life to get better, because there is always something popping up around the bend. For me, life was better immediately after we were no longer in the same house because I was living with an angry man. But, it was still difficult because the anger he always had was pumped up quite a few notches.
10. Do not feel ashamed and guilty. This may sound silly, but it is hard to admit defeat. It is hard to not feel ashamed that your marriage is over and it is even harder to not feel guilty that your children are now part of a broken family. If you did everything in your power to keep your marriage together, but the relationship was broken and staying together caused pain and anguish daily, then you did what was right to save yourself and ultimately your children.

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