Life does not stop after divorce, it begins anew!
Monday nights on ABC is the night my daughter and I sit together to watch the Bachelor, or its sister show The Bachelorette. It has enough drama and sabotage to make most people want to steer clear of competing for affection in this way, but the ratings are high and they just keep the show coming every season. Frankly, I am amazed that the show is still on after nearly 15 years, but then again I’m not.
I think we as a country are obsessed with relationships and finding love, why else would women and men put their hearts in harm’s way to “find love” on a television show? I’m positive that many of them are there just for their 15 minutes of fame, but others believe they can find their prince or princess in this format. To that point, online dating is exploding because it can match people in different geographical areas with each other.
Regardless how couples meet today, relationships still end in heartbreak and divorce, but, why? So many of us put a lot of time and emphasis into finding someone to love and to love us, but yet our relationships and marriages still fall apart. What’s the problem?
Well, one can say by looking at what’s happening in our country right now that we are a bunch of whiners and arguers. I’m not trying to be controversial or political, just stating current facts. Honestly someone who whines and argues a lot is not someone I would like to plan my forever with, which would explain partially why I am divorced. But in truth, there are many deeper reasons why men and women struggle with keeping a healthy relationship going strong.
Here is a list of 5 mistakes men and women make before getting married.
1. You hate being single. Let’s be honest, many people hate being single, but is that a reason to latch on to someone? There is a huge difference between wanting to enjoy a relationship and feeling that you are doomed for single-hood if you are not coupled with someone. What many fail to realize is: if you are not comfortable in your own skin you will settle for people and situations that are wrong for you.
2. You believe that finding the right one will bring you happiness. Let’s be real, if you don’t love yourself enough to be alone, then how will you know who the “right” one is? Being in love and being loved is one of the most wonderful feelings in the world, but expecting another to make you happy is a recipe for disaster. What many fail to realize is: you have to be happy and content with yourself before you will be able to receive the everlasting kind of love in your life you deserve.
3. You make the other person your world. This is especially true for women, though the occasional man will do the same. We all know of women who have suddenly found themselves in a relationship and the guy becomes her everything in a short amount of time. Her dreams, hobbies, and passions suddenly center on him. He IS her new-found hobby. Initially it will feel good to their partners’ ego, but most men will bail before walking down the aisle with this kind of woman, since they realize it is way too much responsibility in being the center of someone’s world. For those who do take the marital plunge, it won’t be long before the woman realizes she sold herself out and resentment will bloom loudly damaging the already fragile relationship. That said it is extremely important that we make our relationships our priority, while cherishing and appreciating our partners. What many fail to realize is: keeping our relationships a priority is different than making the other person your world. It is important to have other interests to keep you grounded and involved in their own life.
4. You are not clear about expectations. Many couples do not start out making their expectations clear from the onset. It is imperative that each understands what the other person’s expectations are about having a family, division of labor, money, where you want to live, how often you want sex, etc. But many couples do not have those conversations or if they do it’s more surface talk than getting to the nitty gritty. They assume that all will just fall into place, but it won’t and doesn’t for the majority of couples. What many fail to realize is: we each go into marriage with preconceived notions of what our life will look like. For many it will look like their parents’ marriage, but that may not even register for the person they are marrying. You cannot walk down the aisle without putting the work in to see if you and your spouse to be are on the same page. For if you are not willing to put the work in before it will be a costly mistake since changing another persons expectations is a futile task.
5. You both do not have similar communication styles. This is similar to expectations because it is quite difficult, or near to impossible to change a person’s communication style since it makes up who they are. Many couples believe their arguments never get resolved because one partner likes to confront, while the other wants to avoid. It is a typical scenario in relationships; however it can make each person feel unheard and unloved. Having different communication styles can destroy relationships, and is one of the top predictors for divorce, but it doesn’t have to be the ruination of your relationship. Partners can learn to relate to each other more positively, but they will have to work at it. What many fail to realize is: different communication styles only become a problem when partners don’t understand their differences and fail to accommodate one another. But the good news is that you can learn to communicate to your differences.
Wishing you success in your journey to find the love you deserve!
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