Life does not stop after divorce, it begins anew!
The demise of a marriage is truly heartbreaking. So much effort, planning and emotions went into all of it. The courtship, the engagement, the wedding, honeymoon, and then life after. I always wonder if we all would put as much effort into the after as we do the before, would it make a difference?
I would say YES for most, but not all.
Some people do the old switcheroo immediately after marriage. They are sweet, agreeable, easygoing, only to find out that they truly possess none of those qualities, it was all just a hoax. Yes, there are those that want to be married so badly, and they are very good at manipulation. They will be all you want them to be until they have you. That’s why all the experts say you should be with the person a good two years before you marry. Let’s face it, it’s hard to be a fake for that length of time.
But aside from marrying the Loch Ness Monster, the majority of marriages fail because no one is paying attention to each other. They are too busy with the kids and work that they barely notice their spouse. They are two ships that pass in the night rarely connecting at port.
This is truly an epidemic! Couples stop paying attention to each other because so much is going on.
Our children need us, our work demands us. Johnny bit a kid on the playground and the parents want to sue us. Our parents are getting older and forgetful and need us. We’re late for karate or dance. The dog has to go to the vet. Dinner is burning on the stove.
Our lives are crazy!
And, let us not forget social media. The average time spent searching or posting daily, is nearly two hours. Do marriages with all this stuff going on, really have that kind of time?
Of course social media is a bit of escapism, much like television, which we all need. However, two plus hours on our devices and television is excessive when most couples barely have time to eat dinner with their families.
The thing about marriages is they don't demand our attention in quite the same way that all the other facets of our lives do. Our marriage is usually pushed to the back burner. We think, "It's fine. It can wait. I'll have time for it tomorrow."
Marriage is patient for quite a while. It waits its turn. Then we move it from the back burner to the pantry shelf.
It's starts looking paler, not nearly as colorful and animated as it used to be. It begins to feel a bit stifled and more fragile. Still, it doesn't demand, at least not on the surface.
Until it does. The cracks begin to show, and the façade is just that. We, the couple begin to become a memory.
And, it all began from lack of attention.
The true secret to maintaining love and closeness in relationships is ATTENTION. Simple attention.
If you didn’t give your children attention, wouldn’t you be a negligent parent? Then by not giving your spouse attention, aren’t you being negligent?
Attention is the food and water of a living and breathing relationship. It’s how we care for all living beings. Without attention, all relationships will simply fade away.
Think about how you feel when you go unnoticed or are not getting the attention you believe you should. You feel unappreciated and insignificant.
Perhaps it’s time to make time for your marriage. Give your spouse the attention that you want to receive. Be the giver and you will be surprised of what you will receive in return. And, just like the seeds of spring bloom beautiful summer flowers, watch your own marriage come into full bloom.
If you think you need more help or are on the brink of divorce, check out my book here.
Wishing you all a happy spring and a wonderful holiday! xoxo
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